It is today before you that I reveal the woman behind the mask. That mask that I am required to wear to make others believe I am the person they want me to be. I am a mother of 3 boys with a husband that will break his back in order to provide for us. But still even tho I see see that I have life by the balls and have more than alot of people wish for, I am still MISERABLE.
I recently decided to seek some help after my 3rd son was born for what I thought was another bought of depression that I would mutter through like all the times before. Only to be put on a medication (which I told him made me wonky the first time I took it) that caused me to have the biggest breakdown of my life and landed me in the hospital lucky to be alive. I have never met a person that took that many pills and that diverse a concoction and still wake up the next day. Admittedly loopy but to my utter disgust still breathing. I added that to my ever growing list of failures. Like my failure to stand up to my abusive ex when we found out I was pregnant and I was given the ultimatum I could get rid of it or it would be beaten out of me. So for the sake of the child and for fear of my life, I went to the clinic and laid on that table where a doctor proceeded to murder my unborn child and I did nothing to stop it. BUT I digress.
While seeking help I was finally given a diagnoses for what the eff is wrong with me, actually a list of diagnoses, Borderline personality disorder, dysthymia, sever depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. Isn't that just the kind of woman you want to take home to mom. Hey mom meet my girlfriend, dont mind her she is crazy and is liable to freak out and go sit in the car with her meds at anytime, but fear not it isnt you. Its the fact that her childhood was that of a really bad drug riddled porn movie.
Ah yes, the "wonderful young years of my life". When mommy is supposed to mbe who you want to be when you grow up and daddy is your hero... well mommy was a crack whore stripper who would lock me and my younger out of the house for hours at a shot in the city so she get high and bang men for it, Leaving me to fend off the pervs who "just wanted to see what was under my shirt, maybe if I let them touch them I would like... while my poor little brother hid with no where else to go. And my Hero dad, who beat the living snot outof my mom because while he is busting his hump to make a living for us working what ever jobs he could, he comes homes to her in bed stoned with at least one other man and my brother and I in the same dirty clothes we were in when he left. Food was scarce only because we ate at the baby sitters when we got to go there.
The bst part of all this is the fact that I have done EVERYTHING i could to be different from those people and I still am no good to the rest of my family. I am still the black sheep, me the one with a man I have been married to 8 yrears almost 9 the man who has fathered all three of my children(living that is) I just dont understand why anyone would want to take on all the baggage I carry with me. Why they would want to make it thier problem. I have been brought up to know my worth, it isnt very much. My mother to this day is on her third marriage the second man adopted my brother and I and gave us a better life than we could ever have had without him, tho it for sure had its up ands downs, But the third man the one she is with now, gave me all the proof I need to know who is important in her life. When I stuck my 14 year old self in between a blow that was aimed at her so she didnt have to take another one and it rocked my jaw so bad I thought it was broken and she went to him to make sure his hand wasnt messed up then went to me to beg me not to call the cops, that was the day I knew I had no mom. My biological father signed away his rights for my brother and I when I was 10 and my brother was 9. Said his wife couldnt handle 2 more kids on top of the 4 she had full custody of. People wonder why I value my self worth at zero, I have never had proof that it would be anything otherwise. This is the beginning look into what I hold inside that not many if any know. I will continue another day. Maybe this story could actually have a happy ending. I am not counting on it tho.
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